he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
