Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
