There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
