dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
