She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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