Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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