you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
