When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
