Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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