I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
