Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
