Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
