You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
