Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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