Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
