Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you win again, gameday.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
