Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
