I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
