Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There's even glitter on my cock...
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