Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just invented taco cereal.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize