i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
