just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
