he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
