I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
