im six kinds of drunk right now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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