The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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