Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
