I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Enjoy the penises
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
