I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
