I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
