You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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