how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
