Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
