woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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