so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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