Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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