i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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