I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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