She is in my trunk
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
