her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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