Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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