Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
