I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize