my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
