I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My balls are so social today.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
