I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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