Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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