oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
