Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My bed smells like the plague
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