I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
