I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You took a bar mat shot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
