I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
