we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
