Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize