i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I lost the right to judge tonight
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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