I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
