The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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