What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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