ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
