That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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