I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
