I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
