just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
