some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
