also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
