The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
