he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
