I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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