If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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