My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
